How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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