i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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