I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
