hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i think i have two assholes
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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