Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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