youre lurking in front of me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
