I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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