Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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