Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
