where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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