oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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