I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
