Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
