hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
