i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
