took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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