No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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