I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
