Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
