I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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