In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I fill condoms, not promises.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
