We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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