my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
