Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
