You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
