The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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