i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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