my phone needs a breathalizer
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
