Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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