whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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