i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
