Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
