you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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