My liver just broke up with me...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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