??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Where is the hickey?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
