So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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