I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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