So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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