What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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