i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
