This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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