after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
