You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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