I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I cockslap morals
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
