Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
