You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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