xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
