You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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