god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
