i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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