I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
